Bread rolls warm from the oven, wheaten bread with lashings of butter and jam, chewy sourdough, spongy focaccia, oozy garlic bread - you are a fond but distant memory.
But why? Why would I intentionally deprive myself of such tasty treats? Why would I choose to avoid so many things I like to eat? Because dear friends, I have been betrayed by what I love the most. Damn you gluten and your delicious elastic proteins.
When your belly is so bloated after eating that you look like you are 5 months pregnant and the noise your stomach makes while trying to process your food sounds like that creature from Alien is about to burst forth, something has to change.
After about a year of feeling not quite right and having ruled out anything sinister, I went to see a dietitian to see if we could figure out what was going on. I kept a food diary for a couple of weeks before I went in and as she read through it there was a lot of head nodding and aha-ing. At last I thought, an answer to the question of what was causing the problems. Well everything apparently.
Ok that's probably a slight exaggeration but it definitely felt like it at the time. The dietitian suspected that Irritable Bowel Syndrome might be the culprit and yes it is exactly as much fun as it sounds. I had to do a four week elimination diet where I ate a very limited range of foods to try to reset my system. Imagine the most boring bland things you can eat - no bread, no pasta, no fruit. The first week was spent in a hangry haze. The second week felt like I ate rice for every meal. The last two weeks were more of the same.
After the four weeks were up I started reintroducing various foods to see how I reacted to them. Badly seemed to be the general consensus. So goodbye gluten, onions, garlic, apples, pears and cherries. Farewell bread, pasta, noodles, couscous, wraps, crackers and greasy food. Hello to the weird "free from" aisle in the supermarket.
I was not a happy camper. Most evenings when cooking dinner, onions and garlic were the first things into the pot. Not any more. Staring into the cupboards all I could see where things I couldn't eat but really, really wanted to. Breakfast was fine, I just ate the muesli I usually ate. For lunch on the go I could grab some sushi. Dinner and snacks were where I really struggled. No more grabbing an apple and a quick sandwich. Sure you can get gluten free bread and it is fine when toasted but it's stodge city if you use it for a sandwich. Plus the slices are tiny and it costs three times the price of normal bread.
So began months of trial and error, a bit like moving to a new country and trying out different brands and foods you've never seen before. Some things worked, some not so much. Quinoa was better than I thought it would be, once I figured out it needs to be made with stock to have any semblance of flavour. I found a nice gluten free pizza base and a ready mixed chocolate brownie pack. I have officially given up on GF wraps as they taste how I imagine soggy cardboard would and as for konjac noodles, they had the consistency of an elastic band and were binned after the first mouthful.
I have tried to minimise the impact of my change in diet on my family. Dinner now involves a lot more washing up as my pasta or sauce is cooked in a separate pot. We eat way more rice and potatoes than we used to. Mostly I have accepted the changes with good grace as I do definitely feel better but sometimes I still feel a bit hard done by.
Last week taught me to get over myself and appreciate the little things. I had a stomach bug so had nothing for three days apart from 7 up and re-hydration sachets. Once I was over the worst of it and starting to feel hungry again, I decided to chance some toast. The unbridled joy of a piece of warm toast (even GF toast) dripping with melted butter. It was a gastronomic delight after three days of a gurgling empty stomach.
Maybe it's time to leave behind what I can't have and start focusing on being grateful for what I do have.
