"Ate breakfast. Went to school. Swimming lesson after school. Had chicken for dinner".
Rather than a reflection on how my day had felt, it became a list of things I had done. I was reminded of my childhood diary today when I wrote a list. This was not like my normal list of things to do, this was a list of things that I had already done. None of the things I did were on a to do list so I didn't even have the satisfaction of crossing them off. So why bother?
The why stems partially from a need to justify my existence, partially from the hope that on days when the list is lacking, it will spur me on to get off my ass and do things. It's also a way to give some sort of definition to my days. You know on police dramas when they ask the suspect "Where were you on the morning of April 23?". I would scoff to myself, "like any normal person would have a clue how to answer that question!". Then I realised that I couldn't remember what I had done on Monday. And it was only Thursday. Of the same week. And I literally hadn't a clue.
Eventually I pieced together some memories and sort of remembered how Monday had gone. Now I don't think I am in danger of early onset dementia just yet, it's more a case that my days lack a huge amount of structure so they tend to blend together. If nothing significant happens then there are very little distinguishing features to identify one day from the next.
When you go out to work you normally have a routine. A rough schedule that may differ slightly from day to day but ultimately forms a framework to how your week looks. When you are at home without any little ones to take care of, the possibilities are vast and endless (as long as they can be done by school pick up time). But vast is an overwhelming thing to face down every morning. Especially when you are also trying to figure what the hell you want to do with your life.
Some days it would be easier to just bury myself in cleaning because it appears there is always something in this house that needs to be cleaned. If only I didn't detest cleaning so much this could make for a fulfilling day. Remember when you were supposed to be studying for an exam but instead you would make your bed and tidy your room and do literally anything you could find to do rather than study? Well that's me with cleaning. The only reason I ever iron is because then I can justify watching Netflix in the middle of the day.
Much as I like structure and order, I don't want to become the sort of person who always bakes on Monday and does the grocery shopping on Tuesday and has a set task for every day of the week. I do like the flexibility that I have at the moment but some days I feel like I need to rein it in a bit. There's a fine line between planning a project and losing 3 hours to Pinterest in the name of "research".
