I did a two hour restorative yoga class a while back. It was a great way to wrap up one month and head into another. The poses are supported taking all the effort out so you get a really good stretch without having to do very much work. Just what you want on a Sunday afternoon.
Along with the extended holding of poses, there was loads of extra time for relaxation and meditation at the end. Despite my best intentions, my mind started to wander. Amongst the random thoughts and things to add to my to do list, came the wishes. I wish I was more like her, she seems to enjoy being a SAHM, hosting elaborate birthday parties for her kids and posting weekly Insta-worthy #preciousmemories. I wish I was more like her, she never seems to lack ambition or goals. I wish I had her ability to chat to people and make friends. I wish I had her openness and trusting nature. I wish, I wish, I wish.
Maybe it's time to stop with the wishing. Maybe it's ok to not have figured out what I want to be when I grow up yet. Maybe this is what I am supposed to be doing right now. Comparing myself with other people only ends badly for me so maybe I need to focus on being good enough for me.
- Aimlessly scrolling through Facebook when there are 50 million better things I could be doing.
- Checking notifications as soon as my phone beeps (see above).
- Doing laundry so frequently. (Our washing machine broke recently and when it came back 10 days later we were still nowhere near running out of clothes. Definitely time for a wardrobe cull).
- Cooking every night. Leftovers are the way of the future.
- Checking Pinterest for the perfect picture to go with these posts and then realising half an hour has passed and I still need to finish the damn thing.
- Channel surfing when the programme I was watching has finished and it's time for bed anyway.
- Going to bed late but then still reading for way too long. Morning me curses night time me on a semi-regular basis.
As a child I remember getting a diary one year for Christmas. Full of eagerness, I cracked it open and busied myself filling in all the birthdays of my family and friends. The first week or two were filled with thoughts and happenings of the day. Then as time wore on the entries became more sparse.
"Ate breakfast. Went to school. Swimming lesson after school. Had chicken for dinner".
Rather than a reflection on how my day had felt, it became a list of things I had done. I was reminded of my childhood diary today when I wrote a list. This was not like my normal list of things to do, this was a list of things that I had already done. None of the things I did were on a to do list so I didn't even have the satisfaction of crossing them off. So why bother?
The why stems partially from a need to justify my existence, partially from the hope that on days when the list is lacking, it will spur me on to get off my ass and do things. It's also a way to give some sort of definition to my days. You know on police dramas when they ask the suspect "Where were you on the morning of April 23?". I would scoff to myself, "like any normal person would have a clue how to answer that question!". Then I realised that I couldn't remember what I had done on Monday. And it was only Thursday. Of the same week. And I literally hadn't a clue.
Eventually I pieced together some memories and sort of remembered how Monday had gone. Now I don't think I am in danger of early onset dementia just yet, it's more a case that my days lack a huge amount of structure so they tend to blend together. If nothing significant happens then there are very little distinguishing features to identify one day from the next.
When you go out to work you normally have a routine. A rough schedule that may differ slightly from day to day but ultimately forms a framework to how your week looks. When you are at home without any little ones to take care of, the possibilities are vast and endless (as long as they can be done by school pick up time). But vast is an overwhelming thing to face down every morning. Especially when you are also trying to figure what the hell you want to do with your life.
Some days it would be easier to just bury myself in cleaning because it appears there is always something in this house that needs to be cleaned. If only I didn't detest cleaning so much this could make for a fulfilling day. Remember when you were supposed to be studying for an exam but instead you would make your bed and tidy your room and do literally anything you could find to do rather than study? Well that's me with cleaning. The only reason I ever iron is because then I can justify watching Netflix in the middle of the day.
Much as I like structure and order, I don't want to become the sort of person who always bakes on Monday and does the grocery shopping on Tuesday and has a set task for every day of the week. I do like the flexibility that I have at the moment but some days I feel like I need to rein it in a bit. There's a fine line between planning a project and losing 3 hours to Pinterest in the name of "research".
Things you can do in 35 minutes.
- Take in a wash.
- Hang said wash on the clothes horse as the predicted "great drying" didn't materialise.
- Have a wee.
- Get changed.
- Log onto laptop.
- Discover laptop needs to restart itself as you have been postponing it for about a week.
- Sigh and make a cup of tea instead.
- Check laptop, still not finished.
- Peel potatoes for dinner.
- Decide there will definitely be more vegetables in tomorrow night's dinner as tonight is burgers and wedges and yesterday was a sausage and a bacon sandwich. May have over estimated how much food would be required last weekend so have a bit of a meat surplus.
- Discover laptop has eventually finished updating.
- Download photos off camera.
- Write a long overdue blog post.
- Realise you need to leave to pick up the kids in 3 minutes and you are only half way through your tea.
- Decide this is plenty long enough for a post and go drink your tea. Got to have your priorities right!
I love my couch. Along with my bed, it is one of my favourite places to be. It is big and comfy and cosy. You can put your feet up and recline the back. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
That familiar lure has taken a sinister turn of late. Now that winter has truly hit and the nights are getting colder and more relentless, it is proving harder and harder to resist the temptation to ditch yoga class and cosy up on the couch under a blanket. I have missed the last two weeks but this week, this week I won the battle to get my ass off the couch and go to yoga. I was exceedingly glad to return said ass to the couch after yoga, making the mental note that while missing two weeks seems fine at the time, it is not so fine the week I actually go back to class. I fear tomorrow will be a day of shuffling stiffness. Damn you couch.
I am a firm believer in karma. Be your best self, treat other people as you would like to be treated, it's pretty obvious stuff right? Today I managed to burn myself twice in one day so I'm wondering what sign the universe is trying to send me. Pay more attention? Don't eat so many toasted sandwiches? (burn no. 1 was from the heated tower rail, burn no. 2 was from the toasted sandwich maker). Here's hoping that whatever I did, I have now paid for it.
